So, this blog goes above and beyond into what we have been through as a family over the past few months. I have ummed and ahhhed about sharing this experience as it is very personal, but to help me get over tough times writing about them seems to always help.
2015 started off with a bang, getting married to my amazing partner Matt and then honeymooning in Bali sure was an amazing way to start the year. I was on cloud 9 and didn’t want the good times to end, but the truth is life isn’t one big honeymoon, so after the dust settled it was back to our usual grind. We are both super busy people and love what we do so the ‘grind’ as I call it is not ‘brain numbing’ work, it is our passion and we both enjoy the work that we do and always give our jobs 100%. I have to admit that after the wedding and honeymoon was over I did feel down and it took me a while to get my head around being back to reality. I missed not having the big event to look forward to and I also missed our friends and family that stayed with us around the time of the wedding.
Winter came and I can honestly say that I had a severe case of the winter blues, being stuck inside with a toddler all day is enough to drive us both mad, and it did! I struggled not being able to get out and about with Leo and take him to the park in the afternoons, we both got cabin fever and it wasn’t an easy time.
But during those early winter months I really focused on my business and the mums that I work with and it honestly saved me. I feel so blessed that I get to work with such amazing women and helping them achieve their goals fills my spirit with so much happiness and for that I am truly grateful!
Matt and I always wanted to have another baby, we just didn’t know when the right time would be. We weren’t trying to have a baby but we were also ‘not not’ trying if that makes sense, so it was only a matter of time before ‘not really’ trying caught up with us and we found out that I was pregnant. It took us by surprise but as you do, you embrace it and you start the process of having a baby. I went to the Dr and did the blood tests which confirmed that I was around 4-5 weeks. We didn’t (for some un be-known reason) get a dating scan, the Dr that I went to didn’t suggest it either and looking back now that would have saved us a lot of heart ache. I didn’t feel pregnant and something in my gut was telling me that something was wrong. Matt, who is always the optimist would just tell me that every pregnancy is different and not to worry, so I would soldier on and try to keep myself thinking more positive.
The day came for our 13 week scan and driving there I knew that I was going to be hearing bad news, it was like I was mentally preparing myself for the worst. And the worst it was. No fetal heartbeat and the pregnancy sack only measured at 6.5 weeks. My intuition was right, I was numb and not in dis-belief as I was honestly expecting bad news, I was just so so sad that we had got to that 13 week mark to find out that the pregnancy wasn’t healthy and that I had had what is called a missed miscarriage.
Matt and I were heart broken, as were our families, it was such a hard time for us all. I was angry, sad and resentful and getting through each day after I had the D and C was a struggle. The hardest thing for me is that I work with mums and I promote health and wellbeing for my job, I am fit and healthy so how could this not have had a happy ending?! The amount of self doubt that I went through was horrendous. I felt like such a failure!
I didn’t want to share this experience at the time as it hurt so much and I just wasn’t ready to speak openly about it. In my head I wanted to announce to the world that we were having our second baby and was looking forward to my ever growing baby bump that I couldn’t wait to show off which clearly couldn’t happen.
Slowly but surely I began to rebuild myself and started to feel like my old self again, that was until 15th October when we found out that I was pregnant, AGAIN!!! Yip, I did a test as I was late for my period and it came back as positive, so straight away I rang my usual Dr (not the one from last time as I wasn’t happy with the care I got from her) and booked in for a blood test that afternoon. The results came back the next day that I was around 4-5 weeks, ironic or what?! After our last experience I was scared, I don’t enjoy the first 12 weeks as once you have had a miscarriage you can’t help but feel nervous that something is going to go wrong.
Matt and I didn’t tell anyone this time, we wanted to make sure that all was ok and that we had only GOOD news to share with our loved ones. But again, this isn’t a happy ending. Literally a week after we found out I discovered that I was spotting blood and straight away I panicked. I booked in to see my Dr that afternoon and we did a blood test to check the hormone levels. As the day went on the bleeding was getting worse and I knew that it wasn’t good, I was a mess and to be honest, felt so so numb to the fact that I could be having another miscarriage. The Dr rang first thing the next day to confirm that the hormone levels had dropped and that I was having a miscarriage.
Seriously WHAT THE F#@K?!?!?! How does someone who is fit and healthy and who does good in this world have such an awful experience twice in such a short space of time. WOW, thanks life, just thanks!
I don’t really know what else to write about right now as the wounds are all still so fresh and I am still feeling so numb to it all. I am a positive person and I do believe in the greater good but my spirit has been crushed. I know the facts that 1 in 4 pregnancies lead to miscarriage but right now that doesn’t help. I am emotionally drained from feeling such excitement to utter sadness and grief, not once but twice.
The fact is, when it comes pregnancy, it truly is out of our control. It is pure science and when all of the stars align a healthy pregnancy happens and if something doesn’t match up our bodies reject it. Babies are the biggest miracle, I look at Leo now in a whole new light, he is my miracle baby and I was so so so blessed to bring him into this world. I know we will get our next baby (just not right now as I need a break from it all), but in the near future the stars will align for us and we will get our healthy baby that we both want so bad.
I am sharing this story with you all in the hope that if you have had a similar experience you can find comfort in the fact that this shit stuff happens to the best of us. I hope to open this subject up and show you that you don’t have to feel ashamed or embarrassed if you have had a miscarriage, it is unfortunately a part of life. I hope that we can find strength in each other and support one another through these tough times. I know that a lot of women battle with these issues on their own so I hope that by me sharing this experience you now have someone that ‘gets it’ and to turn to when you need a friend.
Much mummy love to you all and thanks for reading my blog. I can honestly say that this has been therapeutic for me to write all of this down and I do feel lighter for having shared this with you all!
Justine xxx
